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Post L-5/S1 Lumbar fusion,now facing cervical fusion,carpall tunnell,social security

Started by nurse l. inpain ADN, RN on 12/04/2013 7:57pm

Hi Spine Universe friends,
I thought i would start a new discussion because i can't seem to find my old discussion and want to update my friends.I have had two back surgeries ,lumbar fusion in 2011,and hardware removal in 2013.I can say honestly it helped with leg pain,and it did bring down the pain in my low back a few notches,but every day of my life i deal with this pain that seems to effect everything i do.I started my social security journey almost four years ago,got denied three times including before an administrative judge.He took the testimony of a vocational rehab specialist who seemed to think i could sit behind a desk eight hours a day as an appointment clerk.Imagine that !Oh BTW i am a registered nurse who has only done floor nursing for the past 29 years.I loved my job and i loved the money .Got hurt at work in 2009 when i was slammed to the floor in a crunched up fetal position from a defective chair.So my first SS case is now being appealed to federal level,i just started my application for second case a few months ago.This is a sick and twisted system we are battling against,i have paid into this system since i have been working at age 16,never did i imagine that i would have to stop working at age 48.I am now facing a new MRI and hopefully a discogram to pinpoint the main pain generators in my neck,i have three bulging /degenerated disks there also .When i had the accident i put my arm out in an attempt to break the fall and landed on an outstretched arm injuring my neck and rotator cuff.To sum all this up i have gone through all savings,retirement,and have refinanced twice on my house to pay off high credit card bills that i used to buy groceries and basically live off.I have to lay down several hours in my day ,take pain medication every day,and limit all activities.I would like to get advice on the neck surgery part of this and find out if the cervical fusion has helped anyone.I am also loosing alot of grip strength in my hands and i drop everything too,have severe carpal tunnel which i know originated in my neck.Would like to hear how everyone is doing.
Take Care,Blessings
Nancy Nurse

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Hello to you Nancy, and to all in similar circumstances. I can relate so much to you and your situation, and my heart goes out to you. I am also a nurse, and have been unable to work because of problems from my scoliosis, harrington rod, fusions causing flatback syndrome. I did well for many years and then started having musular aches, back pains, knee sprains. It has been a gradual progression to what it is now. I have pain in my lower back and left hip every day. I walk bent forward ,and it gets worse as the day goes on. Also, the left side of my back has stayed swollen for 3 or so years now. I also worked as a floor nurse for over 30 years, have been taking tramadol for 11 years. I believe it was the only thing that kept me working for as long as I did since it didn't alter my mind , I could still work. If I even thought about working now I would have to go to something stronger, and that would be for any type of job. I too have only worked as a nurse. All I can say is just walking a short distance causes pain, standing to do dishes causes pain, even standing for a shower causes pain. I'm also having some carpal tunnel issues with my left hand , and arthritis in my hands and neck. I applied for ssdi and was denied on initial app. and denied on request for reconsideration, so court is next. I think is is so wrong when we serve our community, giving care to others and when we need help we are denied. I'm 55, I think the ones that make these decisions just hope we will give up or die, natural or not. Lets also add that I don't have insurance , and haven't had for years now because of pushing myself to where I went to part time and prn till I couldn't do it anymore. Of course back then I didn' know what was going on and the doctor just tells me it will just get worse. It was later on I found out it was flatback. I know if I have surgery it would be what you had. Fusing down to sacrum with removal of old hardware with new hardware, cages etc. And then no promises that you will be 100% or even close to it. One more area I want to go to is about narcotics. They want you to cont. to work even if you have to go to narcotics to do that , but then they put you through the ringer to get them prescribed, if at all. I don't know about you, but. I can remember doing a ceu on effective pain management. Thats a joke now. I just don't understand it, causing people with chronic pain to suffer is not going to stop drug sellers or drug addicts. Anyway , enough of me venting. I will pray for you, say a prayer for me too. Take care all.

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Hi scoliosis Susie,
So nice to meet you,i have many nurse friends injured ,all being denied too.I 100% agree with everything you said.We all killed our bodies taking care of the medical community ,probably even some of the relatives of these people.Where is the honor and respect ?Like i said i loved my job,why would anyone in their right mind give up $42/hr.for this.......HELLO?.....Oh you are so right,i am trying to not go too much on a rant due to the fact that it only increases my neck and back pain.Us nurses need to stick together,we have a name that us nurses call ourselves and it is "wounded warriors"......we are warriors so please don't give up Susie.You are the only one who knows your level of pain day in and day out.......a nurse would not raise her red flag of surrender to a very meaningful career unless she (or he)can't tolerate it any more Keep the faith and the fight.
Take Care and Blessings,
Nurse Nancy

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Thank you for your reply. It helps to talk about our journey and know others understand. I know what you mean by wondering why anyone would think we would want to just not work , making good money to go through all this. It's because we can't , because of our medical conditions. It should be as easy as seeing day and night. It makes no sense, but why can't they see it. I hope you visit here every so often and let me and everyone know how you are. I also will let you know how things go for me. At least the first of the year I should have insurance. The last time my husband actually had insurance they denied me, so maybe i'll be able to have some type of treatment. Couldn't afford all that ,so expensive. If you have the cervical fusion I hope it helps decrease the pain and helps stop the carpal tunnel symptoms. Take care and have a blessed holiday. Susie

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Hello Nancy
I didn't want to leave anything negative up.
I'm sorry about that.
Was a bad day.
I'm am glad to hear your a little better.
Get a good layer.
Keep fighting.
My prayers are with you.
Ray

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Hi Nancy, I am recovering from ten back and neck surgeries over the last eight years. Nancy, when I applied for help I was still working and I new there was something wrong and I stated going to my dr's to get help (one being my boss) and all my paperwork ready to battle. Nancy I was denied four times until someone at the disability center told me" you won your case you just need a lawyer. When you get a lawyer to represent you it has something to do with the lump sum of money you get for being denied so long. you do not have to pay until you win your case (just incase your cash flow is low and you don't know this). I am in lots of pain every day and I am now suffering with more and more neck pain and the numbness is back in my hands and I am very useless with them. People seem to believe we over due our pain talk but we all know we don't. I like you miss my life and high salary. This is not what I lookedor worked for. My first surgery I went back to work because I thought I was "cured" Big mistake I made. Please keep your head up and know you like I am not alone in this.

Carolyn

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Hi Ray,
Thanks,i did not think your post was negative at all so no worries.I have a great social security attorney.Like i said ,my first case going to federal level.My new case that i applied for in October 2013 i am waiting on an answer,some one did call me from the social security office the other day though and she said they were trying to get my case overturned......first bit of positive i have heard since this whole ball got rolling in 2010,so we will see??You take care and sorry about the bad day,i understand ,i have many of those too.
Take Care,
Nurse Nancy

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Hi,
I pray all will turn out in the end for you.
I'm still adjusting to having a little money now.
I payed back my debts. Got a couple small things.
Sown a few seeds over Christmas to people that needed help.
Felt good. And I got my self just one Christmas gift.
Course I wake up every day wondering if I wasted some money.
But I'll know come summer. After social society kicked my counslor out from under me in November.
We were working on things to look forward to in the future.
That's why I got my self a gift. Course I now have to find a new one.
Been waking up again not knowing were I am. What day it is or time.
But I hear jake I'm my room and I know I'm some were safe for the moment.
But then I'm getting angry again. So it's time to get help again.
Christmas was good. No my family don't get together like we did when my dad was alive.
But I went out to my dads foster brothers house and it was so nice.
It felt like home when I was young here at my moms.
This up coming week will be hard. Every other day for a week I have to take her to Altoona.
For cancer treatments. It's a hour each way. And our backs hurt so bad when we get home.
That's a hour and a half per treatment. But she's going to live. I just feel it in my heart.
As I said Nancy. If you need help with money. Don't be afraid to ask. I myself plus others here are willing to help. I know what it's like to stand in Walmart with no money asking strangers for a dollar to get my pills.
Did it for four years. Never turn down help. Some day you can sow a seed yourself.
Well happy holidays.
Thinking of you.
Your in my prayers.
Ray :)

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Thanks Ray........believe it or not my house got flooded on Christmas day ,so homeowners insurance will be taking care of that and i think i may have a bit extra to put in my pocket.God has been providing for our needs,i have been fighting depression real bad lately,every day pain wears on you as you know.I see my doc in two weeks and i believe i am ready to go forward with the neck surgery.New MRI of my neck is worse,two disks pushing in on my spinal cord now.Constant back aching ,doc thinks that i may have damaged my SI joints when i fell,if that is the case no surgery is going to fix that.Pray i win my two social security case,i really need some back pay.Have never been down this low,makes me wonder why in the heck i killed my body working as a nurse all those years,only to be flat broke now. and turned down from a system that should be helping me right now.Oh well ,i try to keep my focus on God and not complain ,but some days are so hard.
Take Care,
Nurse Nancy

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NANCY,
i'm glad to hear that god is blessing you as you need it.
and I ask my self the same thing every day.
why why why why........
I got lucky with the SSD.
but it won't be much help.
it really isn't enough to live on if your single.
god has his reasons....and we aren't to question his reasons.
he has a purpose why at this time we are on this path.
mine I believe was he knew the teacher I was with for 3 an a half years was to show me what
a good loving relationship was to be like.
and he knew it wasn't going to last because he knew I needed to be here for my
mom with her cancer.
now I do what I can.
and wait to see where he will need me next.
he works in werd ways.
but he has his reasons.
I lost my counselor and had two anger out bursts since.
lost the only good doctor at my family doctors office that cared to help me.
my children haven't talked to me in months.
I feel trapped in this house.
but i'm a care taker now for my mom.
I woke two days ago after sleeping for 14 hours strait.
I was exhausted the night before.
when I woke it was like I just came out of surgery,
I thought something broke.
I was in so much pain I screamed for my mom but she didn't hear me.
I slowly got up but my god I was scared.
when I fell a asleep I was on my back.
and I never moved the hole night.
that's what did it.
well my friend keep your chin up.
god is with you.
just take it slow.
I wish I could help you in some way.
I keep you in my prayers.
god bless you.
ray.

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hello nancy
thinking of you and how you are.
I am finally at peace.
all the court crap is at the end.
now I can take care of my mother in peace.
I have been praying for you.
hoping you will get your SSI.
I know you will in time.
it took me over 3 years to finally get mine.
its a waiting game.
mean while how are you feeling.
are you able to get out.
I hope the best for you I really do.
hope to hear from you soon.
god bless you my friend.
ray.

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So sorry Ray,i am so happy all your social security stuff got worked out.I have been i a lot of pain ,next week will discuss the neck surgery with my doctor.I am going for it.My back has been killing me,i believe it is those darn SI joints.I need prayer on my social security case.As i mentioned my first case is being appealed at the federal level.My new case that i opened in October i have not heard answer yet,so i called the other day and i found out there was a decision made on December 16th and that 1 in 100 cases get picked to go for some kind of audit,,,,,wouldn't you know it?I also found out those cases are usually favorable cases but the decision can be overturned by the people doing the auditing......well i just cryed and pleaded to God to please let me win,i know what you mean all this social security stress is unbearable at times.Worked my ass of for 29 years as a hard working nurse,payed into this,only to now be on my 4th year fighting this.Well here i go again sounding like a broken record.And you are right ,as long as we are alive and breathing God has a purpose for us......we must believe that !AMEN?......kEEP THE FAITH.....NURSE NANCY

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Hi Nancy I have had two back surgeries and the last one was a lumbar fusion. I had to go on disability at a young age as well. I can personally tell you that there is no way you will ever work again with back problems. Please don't give up on your disability case because after working for many years you deserve it because you have paid it in.

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I had my 1st cervical fusion (C5-C6) in 1990. Had 9 years with no pain. Started having pain again and it was determined that C6-C7 went bad. Had fusion at that level in 2000. I felt so good after the surgery I was pushing wheel barrows of dirt around my front yard leveling it (the doctor never gave me no physical restrictions post surgery) Needless to say the fusion did not take, the donor bone dissolved and the area filled up with scar tissue. Had constant pain until 2002 when I had another surgery to correct the problem. That time the doctor used my own bone and put in plate and screws. Except for a very rare flare-up, I have been pain free from cervical pain since the surgery in 2002.
My suggestion: Make sure you get a very qualified neurosurgeon!! I can't express this enough. And no matter how good you feel after the surgery, do NOT do anything that you are not suppose to do. I would have never had the 3rd surgery if I had taken better care of myself and let the fusion heal good. I have had 3 neck surgeries and 3 low back surgeries. One neurosurgeon did 4 of them. The doctor you choose to do your surgery can mean the difference of a successful surgery with no postop pain or continual pain. You should have no fear of a cervical fusion IF you have a very qualified neurosurgeon.

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Nancy, My best advice is to get a good workmans compensation attorney, we all like our employers and think they will do the right thing but once it gets to their insurance company it may not be your employer you are dealing with. I am ironworker and I know the owner of the company I used to work for and I used an attorney because I would rather have attorneys negotiate things so that my rights are protected than face a friend. My ordeal started 8/24/04 when I fell 45 feet on to concrete, I burst my L1 L2 fracture others including one in my neck, A compound fracture of my right tibia fibia, my pelvis, my sternum and all my ribs on my right side in several places and I managed to impinge my ulnar nerves in both elbows from having ahold of the iron and it riping from my grasp. The leg was fixed easily with a rod, my back was allowed to heal on its own and I actually returned to work by Christmas, with a back brace and a cane, but I still had nerve issues first with my hands, they couldnt decide if it was my neck or my elbows so I the neck fusion then ulnar nerve surgery on both elbows. Then it started feeling like a cell phone was vibrating in my front pocket but no phone, I had a lumbar fusion with insertion of rods, then in to the office I went, In 2010 I had those rods removed and then a fusion of the L5 S1...a year later when looking for pain relief, I finally had a laminectomy and they inserted a spinal stimulator which was a complete failure the wire migrated and I got an infection, they remove all of that hardware and any other hardware and that helped. BUT I AM IN CONSTANT PAIN IN THE ORIGINAL FRACTURE SITE AND MY ENTIRE BACK RIB CAGE....my ribs are not flexible because of all the healed fractures and scar tissue, and since my l1 and l2 just exploded, there is no place for them to attach, well I am in constant pain and have been taking morphine, roxycodone, and valium. I WANT TO GET OF PILLS. So just about a year ago they tried to install a pain pump but of course I had to be special and I am the only one of over 700 patients that the pain doctor was unable to install the catheter into my spine because of all the scar and bone tissue, and because one of the two attempts was through scar tissue and he used dissolving sutures they disolved before the wound started healing so I ended up with a huge hole in my back and had to use a wound doctor now I am waiting to have the surgery again as soon as the pain and nuero have the same day open. BUT MY ATTORNEYS, ANESI LAW OUT OF CHICAGO HAVE BEEN A GODSEND. When my former employer laid me off, my comp checks started again and they help me apply then appeal successfully for social security disability and they have negotiated life time medical on anything having to do with the fall, It took three years for the final social security desision but i got back pay and until I settle my claim I still get total temporay disability, IT DOESNT HAVE TO BE A NEW INJURY IT CAN EVEN BE AGREVATING AN OLD ONE AND THE EMPLOYER MUST PAY, I HAD THEM TRY AND STARVE ME OUT IN THE BEGINNING AND THAT IS WHEN I GOT THE ATTORNEYS. GET THE BEST YOU CAN GET. THEY WILL GET A SHARE OF THE FINAL SETTLEMENT BUT IT IS WORTH IT, YOU WILL GET MUCH MORE. I always wanted to be retired by 50 but I am in so much pain it is not enjoyable. I wish you luck and If the final results of the pain pump match the trial, I am looking forward to successful surgery because for the first time in a decade I was pain free. Bob the retired union Ironworker

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hello Nancy
sorry I haven't been on in a while. I saw what you wrote. you are not a broken record.
yes just to get the little help you need will be very stressful till it ends.
I know you will get it. when I was going threw this part of it. I saw it as god was testing my patients.
I had be wait and be calm. and to stay in touch with my attorney. as he told me if I don't hear from you
your file will end up on the bottom of the pile. I understand you are going to have the neck surgery.
I will be praying for you that this surgery will be a good one. and that you heal and are at least pain free there. I keep you and allot of people I know and don't know in my prayers every night. I wish I could say something that could make you smile even for a moment. try not to cry worrying over all this. something good will happen. I still struggle every day with the pain. but i'm so use to it I don't think much of it anymore. course I wake every morning cursing and swearing because of my legs. but I look over,,,,and my buddy jake. he is my husky. he licks my face and I put on a smile if only for him and I do my best to get up. most mornings its very hard. then I down a fist full of pills and try to make the best of it. I try my best to stay in touch with you. I hope and pray for you so that some day you could at least have a peaceful and low pain day. it has been hard here. my mom is cancer free at the moment. but I think us kids got in the way of gods plan for her. after her 4 treatments her CT scan came back clean. but she has given up. I tried everything to lift her spirits. even tough love. but nothing has worked. I talked to her and told her what I thought. I know she wants to do things. but her body is just to broken. I understand that. but I told her she owes god. he gave her more time. I just asked her to try and find some happiness before he calls her home. I have been content. life is very quiet for me know. my kids are being taken care of from my SSD. I no longer talk to the ex. the kids got a $8000.00 lump. and she took $6000.00 from them. at least I won't be bothered from her again. I had made plans for this summer. I had bought myself something. but thinking about it know it might not have been my best idea. but I want to live. so at least I made a plan to look forward to something this summer. please stay positive. be patient. do your best to manage your pain. try to get out a little before your surgery. I will be praying for you. remember when you feel stressed or worried. read your bible. it will take your mind off things. and bring peace to you for a while. I know it helps me. god bless you Nancy. when you can..... let me know how you are after your neck surgery.
your friend,,,,, ray.

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Hi Bob,thank you so much for all your advice,and i am so sorry about all your pain and frustration.All of us on here are here to support each other.I do have a real good work comp attorney and a real good social security attorney.Work comp only pays two years in California,and i went through that a long time ago.My second social security case got denied again,can you believe it?Now i have two cases pending with social security.I have to go through testing on my neck before the neck fusion.
@Ray,thanks so much.You are right ,reading my bible and keeping my focus on God is about the only thing that helps these days,pain,and financial stress and dealing with insurance company is relentless.One day at a time.How are you doing Ray?
Blessings to both of you,
Nurse Nancy

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Hi nancy.
For the most part. I'm hanging in there.
Trying to keep busy.
BUT HOW ARE YOU?
What have you been up to.
Have you gotten out of the house.
Are you getting a chance to do things.
Have you tried to go to a store just to get out.
What have you been doing to tend to the pain.
Ray

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Does anyone here know how to UNFOLLOW THIS TOPIC?

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@Briana.....i would say just don't respond,did someone say something to offend you?
@Ray....i am in so much pain,i try to do a few things each day but i mostly stay in bed.I cried real bad today,pain,financial struggles,i guess i realized this doesn't end does it until we get our new bodies in heaven one day.Trying to keep the faith.
Nancy

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@Brianas mommy......just wanted to say thank you to for your kind words.How are you feeling?
NurseNancy

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Very sorry to hear that Nancy.
I'm sorry your in that much pain.
I think of that too.
We won't be sick in heaven.
I'll pray for you.
I hope The Lord blesses you with our prayers.
Your friend,
Ray
P.s. I'll stay in touch. You keep fighting. Get some rest.

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Hello Nancy,
Haven't heard from you in a long time.
I've been praying for you.
Hope things are better for you now.
My plate is so full. I'm driving myself into the ground.
Not sure if I said. But my mom has lung cancer.
She had treatment. But she has gotten worse.
She is able to do things but she won't. I'm stuck doing everything.
I'm so tired and I hurt all all the time now.
I love her very much. But I'm taking years off my back.
I know god brought me here for a reason. But
I tried everything. She just won't listen. I have moments were
I get away to clear my mind. But just to many things and not enough of me.
I pray and hope god will help me find peace. I have thought of you.
Wondering if you are ok. If you heard anymore of your case.
If you feel any better to be able to get out a little.
I hope to hear from you. I'll be praying for you.
Ray.

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Hello everyone,
Sorry i haven't been on here for awhile.Daily struggle with pain ,finances,etc..etc.Good news is my cervical fusion surgery got approved and my surgery date is August 22nd.....please pray for me,i am a little nervous although i have been told this surgery is a piece of cake???I think i may have to sell my house soon,have been tapped out financially.My two social security cases are still pending but if and when i win i owe a large part of my back pay to my long term insurance carrier.Daily battles with depression,just trying to keep my eyes raised to my heavenly father which is where my help comes from.Everyone let me know what is new with you.
Blessings,
NurseNancy

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@Ray.....how is your mom doing?
Nancy

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Hi Nancy, Glad to hear your cervical surgery is coming up. Hope that will take care of the carpal tunnel issues. Sorry to hear you may have to sell your house. I know how that is. We had to sell our house 3 years ago for fear of foreclosure. I was the primary bread earner and when it got to the point that I could barely work the cookie crumbled. Sold it for a lot less than it was worth. Since we still owed on the house we didn't get a whole lot out of it.. I am also still waiting on a state court date. Was approved for state medical this year, and now am unable to see a specialist because the engine went out on our car. We were waiting on a stock my husband gets and now hopefully soon will have another car. It's hard to do once your credit is shot. I look at myself, both physically and emotionally, and I don't even know who this person is anymore. When you have health problems it takes so much of your life and happiness away. I too get very depressed and pray for strength to get me through this. Sometimes I pray to just let it be over with and take me by way of a massive heart attack or something. But I know that is not decision to make, but his. I have been having alot more discomfort and now tingling that feels like little needles poking into my left neck and shoulder. I know my vertebras in my neck are messed up too, with the way my neck protrudes forward. Just wanted to reach out and let you know I was still thinking of you and pray your surgery goes well and you hear something soon on your SS claims. Susie

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Hello Nancy
Nice to hear from you.
I'm praying every night for you. As well as others.
Her pet scan was on the first.
He can't say for sure if its in her linf nodes.
He seen spots but could be from a number of things.
She will have another test in three months then we will know for sure.
The tumor is gone from her lung.
But we just have to wait.
I'm so sorry your going through so much.
It seems there is only so much a person can take.
And your plate is over flowing.
I hope god blesses you soon.
I was hoping you might have been a little better.
I still hurt. I'm still depressed and angry.
I'm grateful god blessed me with some help.
But I don't know just how long I will be able to stand living like this.
I beg god every night to show me what I'm to do.
What my purpose is. And days go by like falling leaves.
I have good days too. I get allot done. But then I hurt very bad the next day.
I only have one thing that I do that clears my head and puts me at rest.
But even it's dangerous. But......I'm praying for you.
If you ever need to talk ..... I'm here.
May The Lord bless you with strength. And peace.
Ray.

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Oh. Nancy
If you want to talk.
You can Skype me.
If you wish let me know and I'll give you my user name.
At least venting might help.
Ray

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Nancy,
I too am a registered nurse and have a herniation in my L4-5 that I have been dealing with since my horseback riding fall. It was fx at first but about 5-6 yrs later I started with terrible pain in my left lower back and into my hip. I had gone through many sessions of PT and steroid. therapy. In 2010 while I was being treated for the lower back issues I woke up with sever shoulder and neck pain to my left side. I would get these horrific zingers ( as I called them) from my neck down my left arm. In about a months time the zingers became more frequent and they were now gong up my neck into the back of my head,. I worked for an Orthopaedic group as manager of their outpatient surgery center. I had an MRI which showed I had a herniation to the nerve root well as to the spinal cord causing bleeding and bruising to my cord. Didn't know that was possible but I was told that if I didn't have a cervical fusion I could become paralyzed if I were to get in a car accident or fall. I became totally paranoid because I had been experiencing.falls from the low back herniation affecting my walk. I was later told that it was thought that my neck might be what is affecting my low back. Long story short, I had a 2 level ACDF in 2010. My range of motion in my neck is really pretty good but in the past 2 yrs I have been experiencing numbness in my right arm and fingers. It wAkes me up constantly every night. I have tried different pillows and now am using a neck rest to sleep but it is hit or miss. I have gained 20 lbs from inactivity and when I try to excercise I just wind up in more pain. The doctor is reluctant to put me on Lyrica due to the side effects - weight gain, sleepiness. I left my job of 8 years as manager of the surgery center after having a great salary with bonus included. I recently began working in home health with the thought that if would not be sitting behind a desk for 10 hours a day. While that is true, I do sit in my car for long periods of time which is brutal on my lower back. I have so much numbness to my hand I can hardly function in my job. I'm afraid to go back to the doctor for fear of what he has to say but I am going to have to give in and just do it. On top of all of this I recently remarried and I'm sure my husband is tired of hearing about all my physical issues. I'm terrified of any other surgeries because it just seems like once you start you keep having more. Not sure what to do at this point. I'm continuing to work but it is agonizing to be in this pain.

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HELLO NANCY,
its it ray....................
sure wish we could hear from you. ive prayed for you. I hope your pain has lessoned.
well I had gone back to having very bad anger issues. waking up in so much pain I yell allot.
not at mom just god and things. hurt so much I would like at times to cut my lower half off.
so any new news about your ssi? did you have your other surgery yet. i'm writing you from Robbensonville,, NC not sure I spelled it right. but I had four bad days of anger. my mom couldn't take it anymore. so I took a trip. it is so beautiful down here. people seem ok. staying for three days. i'm hoping the time I have to myself ill be able to gain my faith back. feel very lost. my kids are in but seen them only one day. they wont go with me unless its to a place to spend money on them. my oldest will be 18 this year. I wish I had purpose again. like when I was working. now I cant even get out of bed to make it to the doctors on time. maybe me and god can have a long talk here on my time away. well I wish you well. I hope your ok. ill continue to pray for you and all I know who are in pain.
your long time friend on here.
ray...course you know my real first name.
but ray will do. lol
be at peace nancy

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hello Nancy.
its ray.....mom is dieing.
cancer came back in her throat area.
and most likely is in her tummy area to.
its very hard on me cause i'm taking care of her.
but at least I got to get to know her again over the two years I have been here.
life ounce again is changing for me.
i'm so tired.
there is a good book i'd like to share with you.
its called " tears in a bottle"
it help you to deal with pain.
any kind of pain you can think of it helps you to understand why and how to move threw it.
I miss you.....I wish you would reply back to let me know how you are,
I took a four foot fall onto my back two weeks ago.
was bad. it hit all of my hard ware from my L5 to my L2.
had a pocket of blood in there for two days.
moist heat got it out.
but the new x-ray showed all my new bone growth that was there two years ago is gone.
I have no idea why.
i'm trying to walk with out my kane now.
hurts more but I don't think i'll ever get rid of the limp.
well I hope and pray you are well.
may god have blessed you with the ssi and I hope there is peace in your life.
missing yah.
your friend
ray......god bless you.

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