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Family Support

Started by Joeybobbie on 01/28/2011 1:45am

Hi Everyone
Does anyone have the same problem as me with Family member's. By Family member's I mean my Wife, Daughter and son. My daughter is 21, my son is 16, my wife of 23 yr.s is 54. I am 50. I have 4 Fusions in my neck from 2 surgery's, and 2 in my lower back from the front and back. I get treated and told I don't pay any bills, I am on Social Security making 21,000 a yr. 1500 to 1700 a month is taken out of my acct every month to help with bills. My wife makes 149,000.00 a yr. She has half of her salary going into a 401K with company matching. I can't get any help on anything as far as trying to keep up with the house. I always hear how I don't pay any bill's, and go take a pill like you usally do and lay on the recliner as always. I don't know what hurts worse, all my pain or the depression of everyone treating me like a looser because "I don't do anything", I have tried to explain to my kids that I am paying 3/4 of what I get to bills, Mom is only putting half. I don't have enough left over for any savings cause I try to keep the gas tanks full, Always try and give the kids some money for bowling or something fun. whatever. I am being made to feel like a Bad Dad and a looser. No one here shows me any respect. I don't get it. I don't know what they all are talking about when I am not here but evidently it's not good. I have explained I have to take something for pain because it is soooo excrutiating, I should also add that I have torn tendons and hone fragments in my left knee and haven't had a MRI on the left ankle yet. I just can't handle another surgery right now. The pain is really bad in my neck and lower back anyway and not my leg. I just had a pain pump put in on 12-23-2010, It is helping but still even with it I am in constant bad pain 24hrs a day. I can only sleep if I am awake so long that I pretty much just pass out. Just was wondering how many other people are going through this kind of dissrespect, isolation, you can do anything you just don't want to from thier familys. I have asked them all numerous times to look up Chronic pain so maybe they will understand but they don't. This is not only making my pain worse but my ego is shot and my depression is really bad. I am already on Lexapro so I don't know what to do.
Thanks
Joey

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18 Responses

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By the way if anyone is wondering, I have always hugged my kids, always tell them I love them, and have always gone out of my way to support and back them on whatever interests them. Also when they were younger and I was working a regular job, me and my wife talked about our income and knew her job was the most important. She has the insurance, makes alot more, and If I lost my job we could live on hers compared to if she lost hers. I always would be the one to have to take off work when they were sick, Take off work to come home if they were sick at school or daycare, and would have to take off for Dentist appts, Dr. appts whatever.I missed alot of promotions and pay raises because of missing work. I am really too nice for my own good and never was mean or abusive. I don't get it. I even built most of the House we are living in. I was a Journeyman Electrician and have been around the trades so much that I was able to do most of the work. I even had to camp here during the winter under a sheet of plywood so our material wouldn't be stolen. I missed one night and had 2500.00 of lumber stolen. I have worked really hard to give my family a good home and be a good Husband and Father. I don't get it. I feel really lost for any sort of reasoning for the way I am treated. Can you believe my wife tells them we never did that on taking care of her job, so for all the ridicule at work, missed opportunity's, lost pay raises and everything else, it's been all shot down like I't never happend. I have severe Degenerative disc desease, and bone spurrs everywhere, Barretts esophagus, really messed up left leg, 4 cervical fusions, 2 lower back fusions from the front and back, and the disc's above and below my cervical fusions are going out, so the pain from the neck area is really intense. I had countless epidurals and even nerves burned away in my shoulders and they still hurt. plus all the surgerys.

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HI joey,
First of all let me say that you are an awesome father and husband,even though i don't know you.Unfortunately,you have been caught in this horrible chronic pain cycle that never seems to end.I too at times feel like i am constantly letting everyone down because i can not do what i used to be able to do.Try to not beet yourself down,it will only add to your depression.It is hard for others who are not in your situation to understand at times,Sounds like you are doing everything you can in spite of all your pain.Remind yourself of that daily.I don't know what your belief system is ,but as a Christian i can tell you my faith in GOD has made all the difference.Does not mean all is perfect because of that,but i know HE will never give me more than i can handle.Find small projects to do to take some of the focus off the pain.For me i find when i reach out to others who are in need,this awful spine condition does not consume me.Sorry ,i don't mean to sound preachy at all but i will definitely keep you lifted up in prayer Joey.
Blessings,
nurse in pain.

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Hi Nurse I
I really appreciate your response, I was starting to wonder if anyone does respond. Mostly I am just really sad, and in disbeliefe of the way I am treated around here. I would never under any circumstances treat anyone the way I am treated around here, much less if someone was in my condition in my own immediate family. I keep trying to tell them the Last Thing I Need is Stress. I hurt really bad all the time and truely belive alot of it is the stress and treatment, lack of respect, you name it. Just really bummed. I guess I'll do what they always tell me since I am hurting really bad right now and "go take a pill and go to sleep on the recliner, You dont do anything or help out at all anyway", I do try and do mmy best at helping around here and only keep 150.00 a week and the rest all goes to help with bills. So it's not like I'm not trying to help, theres just nothing more I can do. You know what reall bums me out also is they all seem to want to go eat out when I am hurting the worse and so I can't go, and they never bother to maybe bring me a to go plate.
I hope you heal 110% and become able to fulfill your dreams. I really appreciate the response. Seems like I'm alll alone in this so anyone responding to me is a God send to me.
Thanks again
Joey

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Joey:

I just wanted to let you know I read your post and I'm really sorry your family is acting that way. My kids (who are in their 30s) are pretty sensitive to my condition and so is my husband, generally. He's a good man but sometimes I think its too much for him to handle. It's hard for me to handle! This is a hard situation for anybody to handle.

Maybe you ought to sit down with the family and tell them how you're feeling, both emotionally and physically? I don't know if it would do much good, but you might feel better even if they don't change.

Hope things get better!

Pam

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Its sad that kids nowa days dont get it.Mine are kindda night and day.My youngest(23) has watched me struggle to raise her and her brother knowing just walking killed me.shes my rock.My oldest is25 and he acts like the world owes him..He says things that break my heart. Im not sure where your wife stands on the matter but mabye if you quit doing things like keeping there anks full and insurance paid make them do it on there own.When the ins. lapses take there keys.It sounds to me you have a very big heart and a broken body.theres only so much you can do for the body but dont let them break your heart>After a couple months of this theyll start appreciating there dad.and by the sounds of it they'll be home enough to see the pain your in. Keep your chinup and spirits high good peopleare hardtocome by. Good Luck

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Hi Joey,
I've been fortunate in that my wife is very supportive and my two year old can't tell me I'm lazy yet. Ha! I'm fairly worthless around the house as well, but felt compelled to comment on your thread when I read the reply from the Christian nurse. I have found that spirituality is the best remedy as well. I was an alcoholic before my back issues started, but the oxy and valium turned me into a full blown addict. My best advice to you is get off your pain meds completely and find a pills anonymous or alcoholics anonymous meeting. All that is necessary is a desire to stop drinking. I found a higher power of my own understanding and have found that there is a spiritual answer to all of my problems, ie: prayer, meditation and helping others. When the pain is too great, the fatigue is too great and life is overwhelming I hit my knees and ask for help. When I sincerely humble myself I get it.

Regarding our ability to earn money..... No amount of money we made, nothing we've ever acquired or owned made us who we are. That is your male ego that was taught to you by older men who had even less understanding of ego. A book that truly helped me through this time is called, "The Power of Now." by Eckhart Tolle.

It's important to honor your family's feelings as well. You have a reputation you have most likely earned. They are helpless as well. It's not all about you. All of your actions affect their lives. Self-pity is normal and next to anger is my "go to" emotion. Go down to your local homeless shelter and lend a hand. There are lots of people who have it worse than we do. Be grateful for your ssi. Make a gratitude list every night before you go to bed. Write down ten things that you are truly happy and grateful for.

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Hi Joey,
I am back....read everyone's posts.As a nurse who never touched pain meds,i am now very grateful to God for giving us chemists and all who make these drugs,it makes life more bearable.It is all about moderation,i take the most minimal doses i have to take to control the pain,but i have found there are so many other components to the pain control,for example ,when i get out of bed in the morning i heart like hell but i make myself do some form of exercise,it not only helps with depression,it releases the endorphins in your body and decrease the pain.I try to be around positive people,lots of prayer.Remember you are not alone,you have all of us on spine universe and KNOW THIS, GOD LOVES YOU,and shares your emotional and physical pain.
Take Care,
Nurse in pain.

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Hi Joey

Sorry for your pain and everything else you are going through with your family. I had C-5 through C-7 fused almost 2 years ago, after the surgery my Doctor said the pain was normal. Last June they found that I have Severe Osteoporosis a crack on my T-10 and at this point the pain was starting to go up and up. Now when we first found out about the Neck surgeries my wife was very supportive after the first year something changed in her. She started to tell me that I was an addict and I needed to get off of the pills. I know it was part my fault, because I was trying to get my point accross to her that I was in pain and I didn't know where my future would be in the next couple of years. She always acted like she wasn't listening and it became a regular thing with me telling her all the time. About 2 weeks ago my Doctor confirmed it and told me that I was going to have to give up my job and the only real alternative for me is to go on Social Security Disability. She didn't want to accept it, because I'm the one that makes the money and health insurance., but my job is very demanding and it requires you to lift heavy object at times and requires you to have a physical ability to do these things wether I have to that day or not, so this Summer I will have to start to go that route. She pretty much gave me an ultimatum to get off of my pain meds, muscle relaxers and sleeping meds so I could keep my job or there was no point of us being together, we have a 14 year old Son and this would devistate him. She tryed to use every trick in the book and I had to call her bluff and told her well I guess this is good bye. That evening she had a completely different attitude, she talked to her mother and her mom said she would help us out until our finances where straightened out. She still calls me an addict, but it is a start. She has at least accepted our future for now. My son watches out for me in most cases when it comes to lifting and doing the things I shouldn't. I've told her that dealing with chronic pain that I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy and I hope she don't ever have to go through what I am. I guess the moral of the story is get their attention and make them think about you for a change instead of theirselves. Remind your wife of the sacrifices you made for the family. Thing most likely won't change overnight, but I think you will definetly see a difference in their attitudes very quickly. I wish you the best of luck and pain free days.

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Thanks everyone for the support and advice. I will take it all to heart and I will also check into the book Matt. One thing I do have to help me is my gift from God for music. I love to build guitars and have tons of originals that really just come to me like a constant music generator going on in my head. The music helps a whole lot to get my mind off the pain. We actually got to the point where we had a argument the other day with all the kids jumping in for Mom as usual. I told them a Divorce is not about me wanting Money, the House or anything else. All I want is to be treated like a person. I guess it made them think about it later or something because things are a lot better right now and were not talking divorce now. As far as taking the pain medicine, I will probably never be able to go without it even with the Pain Pump which does make a huge difference. The pump does a good job most of the time but I will still get breakthrough pain and it feels like all my bones and body hurts, If youve ever had the flu and your body felt like it was hit with a frieght train, thats what it feels like. I do know the discs above and below the 4 fusions in my neck are going out. I can feel it. My lower back fusions aren't so bad. I'm starting to ramble here so I want to thank each one of you for responding and know I will take your advice. I hope you all have music or some kind of hobbie that helps you. By the way when I play the Blues, I play the Blues.

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Just wanted to also add that Nurse you are one of my Heroes, you chose a field and spent yrs training to help others. I ride with the Patriot Gaurd whenever it is at all possible. We not only Honor our U.S. Military but also all public servants and it's really all about showing respect, dignity and honor to all of you. By you choosing to devote your life to helping others you are as much of a Heroe as our Honorable Soldiers. Just wanted to thank you for your service, it is Greatly Appreciated.

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Thank you Joey,your post brought tears to my eyes.I guess i got some good news,last week i was notified work comp approved the surgery on my low back,it is scheduled for March 25th,so i could use all of your prayers.I know i need this after a year and a half of pain,i try to convince myself that i would be okay without it,but as soon as i try to be a little active or do some housework i feel like a crippled person.I know i have God to see me through this.
You sound like you are doing better,i sense a whole different tone in your posts,see this site can be very helpful,we need to all keep encouraging everyone to keep on keeping on until we go to heaven one day and have our new bodies that will not have pain or be broken(something to look forward too).
Love you all,
Blessings,NurseNancy

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Your very welcome Nurse Nancy, I hope the best for your Surgery. I think your making a good choice. Once they get your lower back strong again with the Fusions hopefully you will feel a lot better. Even though the Fusions sometimes don't make it better at least it hopefully won't get worse. I'm sure you already know all the things about it better than me. My lower back is a lot better after the Surgery, it's my neck giving me all the problems. Maybe a little lower back too but it is better. I'll sure say a prayer for you to have a incredible outcome. Don't be a stranger and keep us posted.
Best regards
Joey

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Has anyone heard from our favorite Rn in pain?Been a bad couple weeks so i didnt know she was havin another surgery

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Would that be me Joey?Ha Ha,i am here ,lying in bed ,my favorite place to be with my laptop.I have been in so much pain,it has increased in my neck a great deal since i got rear ended a month ago.Constant pain in shoulders,feels like someone is squeezing the back of my neck.
Anyway ,my first surgery is coming up on March 25th on my lumbar spine,then i have to heal before we can do my neck,i sure hope there won't be any permanent nerve damage by then.Thanks for asking about me.
Blessings,
Nurse Nancy in pain

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Hi Nurse Nancy
I hope your surgery goes well, let us know how your doing and if you just want to talk we are all here. Keep us informed.

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Hi,

I am sorry you feel abandoned by lack of family support. It is hard on everyone. I want to comment on your depression med. I have had depression for 10 years and 5 of those it wasn't totally controlled. My doc tried another one in addition to the one I was on and it was a miracle. The difference I felt was amazing. This is just a suggestion for you to ask your doc about other medications out there. I wish you courage to walk through each day and stand up for yourself. You deserve respect, as do all people.

On another note, I apologize for my last post with so many misspelled words in the title and body.

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Hi Oreo
Thanks for the advice I will ask my Dr. about supplementing my depression medications. Don't worry about any misspelled words on this forum everyone understands the pain and medicine. I actually got served with divorce papers today. all the kids are backing up Mom except one of my daughters who is in college. Evidently they all agree except my daughter that I am worthless and haven't been a part of the Family for four yrs. Thats how long ago it was when I hurt my back building the house they are living in now. It's messed up, I built them a really nice house, built it over the winter and had to sleep there under some plywood in case it rained freezing to try and keep our building materials safe. I missed one night and had 2500 worth of wood stolen. freeze all night and work 12 to 14 hrs a day. Now I'm stuck at my Mom's at 50 yrs old and the way they are trying to get everything including my social security in the Divorce I may as well end up on the street. I don't know I keep waiting on the silver lining after the dark cloud but my position is steadily getting worse. I don't know really what to do.

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Hi Joey,
I am so sorry to hear about your recent turn of events.Please NEVER,NEVER give up,i know that is hard when it feels like everything has been ripped from under you.God will ALWAYS be there for you.I will keep you in my prayers.My surgery is this Friday,wish it was just over ,been a little nervous this week,but mostly have had peace.
Take Care,
Nurse Nancy

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