I am no where near the man, husband, father, and friend I "used" to be.
Hello everyone I am new here and just wanted to vent some personal frustrations I am SURE a lot of you here have had the same dealings with. The depression, mood swings, change in demeanor, change in the feelings I have towards myself. Let me begin by telling ya'll I am a 32 year old man from near Charleston, SC that has been diagnosed with DDD AND I have L4-L5-S1 Herniation AND natural fusion in the S-1 and L-5. I had an at work injury back in 2000 and had a 2,000 lb radiator pinning me to the floor that led to my L5-S1 bulging. Well before long the pain meds they had me on I was nodding off at work because they said I could do light duty blah blah blah. the point is I was let go from the company DURING the whole Workers Comp battle (that's a story for another day). Anyway here it is almost 12 years later and I have dealt with the ups and downs of having chronic back pain that has NEVER been properly fixed. I have done the pain blocks, injections into the effected area, PT, Accupunture, I WILL NOT see a chiropractor I have heard way too many horror stories about them. Anyhow this brings us to 2009 when I was re-injured at my current employer, going on 10 years of dealing with constant pain that no meds will even touch wether it be Oxycontin, Hydrocodone, Oxycodone, Dilaudid, etc I have tried almost everything out there and nothing really gets rid of the pain I now feel going down both legs, my butt, and lower back.
I am now experiencing what feels like an electrical shock if I turn the wrong way, bend the wrong way, ya'll get the idea. It does not feel very good as you can imagine lol it actually drops me to the ground and I find this very very embarassing when people see this happen. My back has gotten to the point in the past few months to where I have had to have my son of 11 years old and wife help me out of the bed to even use the bathroom or see other things then the 4 walls of my bedroom. I have noticed a darkening of my moods and attitude towards every day life and to be honest it is very scary. I have told my wife many many times I want to go to sleep and never wake up again that her and the kids can find someone else who is not "broken up" that they can enjoy life with. They have ALL seen my decline where as before I was able to do ANYTHING in my kids eyes. I have an 11 year old a Nine year old and a Four year old who are ALL very active in sports and which I have had to miss some games due to my back keeping me in bed all day. I was able to do almost anything up to my second injury and I have noticed since then it has all been down hill. I have ALWAYS been an active person participating in sports of all kinds, softball, baseball, football, you name it if I could sign up for it I did it. I enjoyed hunting, 4wheeling, mudding on the 4 wheelers lol you name it we were ALWAYS outside doing something.
Here is the point I am getting to how many of you have noticed yourself slipping into depression, suicidal thoughts, just all around un happy and just would like to give up? I have tried differing medications to help with the ups and downs including cymbalta, depakote, prozac, zoloft and it just seems nothing is helping at all. I am maintaining my weight to keep the added pressure off my back and I am finally getting ready to go in for either diskectomy, or full disc replacements depending on what my Dr reccomends, but alas I am waiting on hearing if the surgical procedure will be approved or denied I have read so many patient reports on the disc replacements and how they said they have been almost 100% pain free!!! Is it a dream? Does the replacement really work that well? Thanks and apologies for the long read but I have not many friends who go through the daily hell that I find myself going through where this pain is concerned and now the depression and dark thoughts.