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I am looking for suggestions on painless positions

Started by WarriorX on 05/22/2010 10:16am

I am starting to think sex will be a thing of the past.
My last boyfriend had back surgery and is able to do just about anything. I wanted to keep up the pace with him, so I ignored the warning signs of pain and acted like I was 19 all over again. This was a huge mistake on my part, and I take the blame. We are no longer together, not because I don't have "the drive too" but the pain level is way too high for me to experience any joy now.

Today, I will start back with the 3 main back exercises and I know- I have to stick with this program-I haven't in the past. The videos here are very helpful with this.

I fear that having sex- and the weight of him at 175 lb's for long periods of time has made my back worse than before.
The pain now is chronic and the sciatica is different than before. I was pain free for the most part before I started the relationship. The relationship lasted 4 months, but it was a very sexual one.

I see now that I need to build my core back up, and the question I am asking is what do you do to enjoy sex without hurting yourself? I am very embarrassed even asking this- my first post here. But I can't be the only one who has experienced this problem. I hope that someone will be able to suggest positions that were pain free for them. I plan on working on my back exercises for now.
Thank you for listening.

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I will reply to my own post with more information. After looking over the site, I found a condition called Piriformis Syndrome. I mentioned in my post that the sciatica "was different" than before- Yes, I know why now. The information I found here has been very helpful. I realize that some people may choose to not reply to my post because I am new here, and I mentioned sex. Well, I am a not a troll or a person with ill intent. I think that sex is a healthy and important part of everyday life.

My boyfriend should of listened to me when I began telling him about the pain and where it was. I had not been in a relationship for a year, and had not worked for 2 years. So I was out of shape and tried to keep up with someone who was very much in shape. Selfish on his part and stupid on mine.
I have had lower back problems for a couple of years after 3 bad falls in 2008.
After reading about this condition, I see now, that I have been applying ice to low and in the wrong place- I will get a tennis ball today and begin working the trigger points.

I would like to see a response to my post from others, because I know I am not the only person with back pain, who feels that a healthy sexual relationship is good for you.
It should never be painful.
Just because we have back pain doesn't mean we will never enjoy being active again.
Before I fell in 08, I was a black belt in TKD. I had a very active life, since the last fall, everything changed. Now that I am 50, even more changes-but life is about change-it's how we adapt to change that makes the difference. My post is more about adapting than anything else. Every person here has had to change the way they do things because of back pain.
I wish everyone well.

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Warrior:

Okay, I'll be the first brave person to respond.

Sex is not easy with my pain, and it sounds like yours as well. But I think if you get on your side that might help. And that's all I'm going to say about that!

Take care.

Pam

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Thanks for being brave Pam :)
I hope more people can be as open and honest as you have been. I can see how that would reduce the chance of too much weight pressing down.
I plan to work harder on building my core up. Right now, just keeping the pelvic tilt doing the basic back exercises is painful. I am working through out the day with the tennis ball on trigger points, and yes it hurts- but I am gaining a better understanding of my body.
I just so tired of well, you know, you have back pain too, I hate it when the pain stops you dead in your tracks. I think about all the ways I have discovered to make moving easier- Using the bed's headboard and my upper body to get up in the bed, and the "roll over" to get out of the bed- LOL-
Now I am so glad I bought the low profile mattress!

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WarriorX - I commend you for offering up a forum on a topic that some might consider "taboo", and be reluctant to discuss. I have participated in many forums on this site, and have found it to be cathartic in many ways. On the topic of sex, this is a big issue for me. Especially given that I am a newlywed (Oct 2009). My wife and I tried many different positions prior to my recent surgery, but after more than about 5 - 10 minutes, I just could not stand the pain any longer. For me right now, as I am barely 2 weeks post op, the idea is out of the question. However, prior to surgery, I found that when the physical act became too overwhelming due to the excessive pain in my back, we would utilize oral stimulation. In doing so, you can find a comfortable poisition to lie in, and take turns. Hope I am not too graphic, but this is a topic that is very important to me. Everyone has their own opinions on the subject, but even prior to my injury, this was something we employed in our lives routinely. To each their own, and do what you feel is comfortable. The one thing I will say is that risking additional pain & injury just to please someone else is not wise, and should be taken very careful. If your partner cannot understand that, then perhaps their concern for you and your well being are not the priority that they should be.

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BMW,

Great answers! I had no idea how to answer this one- we have no sex life because he just doesn't get the pain message. I'm called the ice queen because it's few and far between when we have sex. If your partner won't change their "course of actions", then there is no sex life. Why give in when I hurt more afterwards? Some people just won't change their ways because to them you are being the biggest ice cube in the world instead of trying to satisfy them. All I say anymore is "No, I hurt". but of course I get called all the names in the book because he's selfish about it. Rough is not the way to go with a back injury and if they can't understand that, they can go without. I have been told that they will stray if they don't get their sex....not mine, he doesn't do anything for himself, I'd have to go find him the piece to tap into. I'd be surprised if he did, he's got the foulest mouth around and women get turned off by him. I have learned to ignore the cutting remarks, that's the best for me. Can't look at what could have been, because it never will be.
Just my thoughts.

Wendi

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Thank you BMW and Wendiann for your reply, it warms my heart to see that people are reading my post and taking part in a conversation that I feel is important to our emotional health especially if we are in love.
As I enjoy a cup of joe this beautiful morning, I am icing. I am very happy to tell you all that I have been free from sciatica for 3 days and nights! I found help at this site and I'm doing the trigger point therapy with a tennis ball, massage and exercises on my own here at home.
My boyfriend has moved on, and I think that both Pam and BMW have given me good advice.

Wendiann, I know exactly what your talking about, and it is a shame that men or women can't look past their own needs and just love and support their partner when they know the pain level is high.

I miss having that release and loving feeling with a man that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Sex was great with him until I began experiencing pain. I am 51, he's 58 and already had back surgery. You would think that he could understand and be willing to meet me half way. That's not the case, so I guess he didn't "love me" as he said he did.

My right leg from the "under the butt" area down to the back of the knee, and a little on the backside of the outer thigh feels sore- but in a "sore muscle" kinda way. I wish I had insurance, but I was dropped about 4 years ago. So I have to do this on my own.
I can't change the bone spurs, or bulging discs and D.D.D. but this piriformis muscle that was so tight that it was pinching the S. nerve, I can change, building up my core is also something I can change. I do want to be involved with someone again, next time I will make a point of saying that I am not willing to endure pain in order to please my partner, he will have to be willing to work with me.
I hope this thread stays open and more people add ideas and share experiences.
With a open mind anything is possible.

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Warrior,

I would love to play match maker for you...I know a few wonderful men out there but of course i'm married, so they aren't accessible to me. One moved from here to Washington and if I wasn't married, he would be the one....but that's my life.

There are only a few men out there that really care about our needs....sorry guys, but it's true. It's not manly to be sensative and sensual, you have to be rough and tough. I have a drink coozie that says "Everytime I find MR. Right, my husband scares him off", and it's sad but true. I can have all the male friends I want, but no body wants to sit around and see how cruel a person can be treated because of the macho crap. We had an open marriage for a while and it was great because I had found the sensuality I needed and he had the rough he needed, but it can only last soo long. We are getting older now and don't have the energy to go out and make friends and socialize like we used to. It does take a strong marriage to do this, but it also made us stronger with each other...one rule always stood..."You don't sleep with the other person, only your spouse", sex is just sex, nothing else. Once emotions come into play, there will be problems. trust is a big issue and we have the trust, we just don't have the mutual respect anymore...because of the pain and sex between us! Sad huh? Oh well...life goes on and I pray everyday that mine will come around.

I love your attitude warrior, keep it up and keep that smile going...sounds like you are making progress with the pain. That sciatic pain is nasty and I hope you find exactly what works for you!

Wendi

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Wendiann,
I think you and I could have a lot of fun...lol... We seem to think a lot alike...lol...
Rock on my friend, Have a great holiday!

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Warrior,

I think we could be trouble if let out on the streets...LMAO. But I think it would be great therapy for both of us. You have a great holiday too!

Wendi

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Check out yoga poses, and then think from there what might be both fun and realistic. Usually the cow girl is the least painful, it seems to keep the pressure off and allows you to curve your back when you need to. Also as a side note, the pigeon pose from yoga seems wto help stretch the muscles around the sciatic nerve and relieve some of the pressure.

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This is one thing you guys have to remember. Speak up.. Ouch and NO. *lol* It sounds funny but its true. I had to and when the guy did listen, I got up, walked out and dumped him. The next week I also went for another injection. Here's a suggestion.. get freaky - try the shower. Standing up works for me. It's about the only thing that does. Have fun! (Also try a muscle relaxer beforehand on your first attempts. You automatically expect to be in pain because you've BEEN in it for so long. You tense up.) Yeah ummm cops aren't shy?

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Warrior, et al........you guys are cracking me up, bringing back (no pun intended) memories of things long stored away out of necessity. I actually herniated a disc while having an orgasm, believe it or not! For months I walked around and worked as a vet tech in sciatic pain constantly. As an athlete all I could relate the original "zipper" like pain was to think it was a muscle pull, as I had no back pain at all. Just the sciatica. Well, surgery ( laminectomy) finally solved the problem, but in the interim my partner was the most sweet, understanding, and patient man......not to mention his guilt at having caused the whole thing! LMAO!! Since that bizarre occasion, I have had one other laminectomy one disc up, and now am having problems with a third disc, again one more level up. In the interim, having been blessed with wonderful doctors, I have gotten along with combinations of therapy, pain management injections , and narcotics for the really bad periods. Good men and good doctors are out there to help.......it's just a matter of knowing what you need and being strong enough to insist on getting it! You go girl and enjoy life on your terms!

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Hi Warrior, I have a herniated nucleus pulposis that is healing. I got one of those side sleeping pillows. Not only has it made sleeping easier, but in trying to find posiitons that wouldn't hurt my neck, this pillow came in very handy. It supports my neck when I'm on my side and makes for easier cuddling, etc. I hope this helps you.

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WarriroX,
I had a fusion at l5-s1(low back) March of 2011. We used to have a very satisfying sex life but it dropped off when I became injured(May2101) It took a few months after surgery to become brave enough to give it a try but things are still not the same for me. My body definetely dosen't move the same way and well... being on top not comfortable for me anymore. UGH!!! I'm not giving up and I'm still not completely healed yet. I do have discomfort after sex but it usually goes away with a few exercises. Thanks for being brave and starting this topic. Any suggestions anyone can give me would be great!!

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BTW my fiance is a wonderful caring man and has been thru hell because of me during this past 1 1/2yrs. He has stood by me and been very understanding about sex and has been very caring and gentle as he never wants to hurt me. He usually follows my lead as to how I feel and what I can take. I'm very lucky to have him, honestly, with the surgery, horrible drug withdrawls, psycho moments due to drug withdrawls and sometimes how the drugs affected me as well as what this whole injury has done to my physically and mentally! It not only takes a strong person to with stand this pain but a much stronger person to be there for you during the healing process. God Bless you all and hope everyone finds a satisfying, pain free sex life (:

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So glad to have stumbled upon this site and read that I am not alone! I am beginning to experience sciatic pain during sex, at first it was in one certain position and now I am beginning to experience the same sciatic pain in other positions! I have been trying to ignore it but obviously that is not helping. I am also wondering if there is a good position that wont trigger the pain? Normally I have sciatic problems on my left side but during sex, it triggers the right side and only the right side, it is a stabbing pain with every thrust and it just makes me jump! This is becoming very frustrating!
I will check out the videos on the exercises.
Thank you for posting.

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sex without love is always painful. find someone who loves you first, than your body then he will first think about you than his needs.....then you will see the difference and joy of sex

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I too have pain when my husband and I are intimate. I've had a lumbar laminectomy with fusion about three months ago. Before that, sex wasn't as enjoyable as when we first were married.
I have a wonderful and patient man, who's love is unconditional.

Now that I have had surgery, I still have pain and am learning new positions that work for me and for us.
If my body is against me due to pain, I let my husband know that while he is wanting me, I am in pain and would rather please him. I don't want to be selfish and not please him because I am not up to the pleasure.

We are married and the vow I agreed to was "for better or for worse, in sickness and in health".
I won't allow my pain and discomfort ruin our intimacy. We love cuddling, kissing and when it comes time to be turned on and my furnace doesn't work, I turn to him and I turn his furnace on.

He was the one who had to please me first, now I'm the one who gets to please him first.
I'm grateful for my condition, because we have learned new ways to please each other that we didn't have before.

So, have that truthful talk with your significant other and put them first for a change. Who knows, you might find that something new is about to happen beyond your wildest dreams.

Love each other and always, always say "I Love You" before going to sleep.
God Bless You All!
Str+

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