I Am A Broken, Depressed & Disabled Husband & Father of 3 Girls @ 37. Is There A Light @ The End Of This Tunnel?
Is there an END? I'm almost 38, been married to a Beautiful Great Woman who has stuck by me through all my pain and moods for 15 years. We have 3 Beautiful girls, 13,9 & 6. and my 2 youngest have NEVER seen me be the strong normal man I once was, My oldest remembers bits and pieces.
I was always a manly man before I broke my back "Twice" . The first time in 1998 falling from the top of The Monument" in downtown Kissimmee, but because I was young the doctor said my strength and my youth saved me from any messy surgeries. I broke my T-12, L-1, Sternum, pelvis, butt-bone, leg, ankle, and contusions on the bottom of my feet. I woke up a few days later in ORMC in Orlando, WITH NO FEELING IN MY LEGS!! So they pretty much kept me knocked out on 4cc's of morphine every hour for 9 days, and luckily all my feeling returned, so I was totally lucky.. Thank God.. Then I was fitted with this special 2 piece Turtle Shell that went from my lower butt & crotch area to my neck, and it kept me straight and compressed for 4-5 months, and I naturally fused. Once i was home my wonderful wife ordered me all the items you have in the hospital, bed, walker, high-kamo, wheel-chair, etc. And she took care of me, through all the good & bad. And after several months I was pretty much 100%, occasional ache here or there. But I eventually got "ALL" my strength & health back.. Then just after Hurricane Charley in 2004 I tripped and fell sideways over some asphalt and re-broke my T-12, L-1, And added my T-8 & T-9, and it happened at work, and that's when I entered the wonderful world of "Workman's Comp" pure hell... Even if you have a justifiable injury your treated like your faking or your a drug seeker. My first surgery was Kyphoplasty @ the T8 &T9, and then I was fused from T12 to L2, because my surgeon said, and I quote" He could make me ready to play for the NFL" Hell I can't even go to a game and sit in the stands through a quarter. And when I woke up from the surgery I felt like I could die!!! The pain was so bad.. They had me on Delotta, the strongest pain medication out, but it doesn't work for me, they say some meds. don't work on certain people. And I found that out the hard way,,, Several months later he did a Hardware removal and a partial lamonectomy @ my L1.. And still I'm in total pain and their lading me up with Oxycontin & Morphine pills and I still hurt like heck with the meds. And I fall deep into depression. I feel like my spine is being ripped out of me, or being bent backwards. I cant play with my kids, I feel like I cant be the "Man" I was before, I'm an X adrenaline junky, I use to skydive, water & snow ski, fast motorcycles, its all gone!! I feel like I'm in HELL.. My life is unraveling around me, or that's how I felt.
Then I am assigned a pain management doctor and all the trigger shots don't work and he starts to get upset with me, because nothing is working. Months of physical therapy, aqua therapy, acu-puncture, everything just made me feel worse.... Then I was taking 150mgs. of Duragesic(morphine derivative) Pain patches every 48 hours, plus 15mgs. of Oxycodone twice a day, 600 mgs. of Nerontin daily, 30 mgs. of Flexaril daily, 90 mgs. of Cymbal-ta daily. And can you believe I still hurt taking all these meds... They were missing something, there's something in my spine that's not right ,I can feel it to this day.
Then I did a trial for the Nero-Cord Stimulator for a week and it gave me some relief, not alot but anything is better then nothing, so the doctor ordered it to be put in. But he said to use the paddle in my spine rather then just the 2 wires because they can break easier and he new I liked to be active, and if it were him...and I quote.. "He'd use the paddles." So thinking about the wires possibly breaking in the near future I listened to him and went through the surgery getting the paddles, well to use the paddles they have to remove the top of your vertebrae to your spine and they sew it directly to your spine and do a Donor bone over lay on top of the paddles, And had to recuperate from yet another surgery and when all the swelling was gone the little bit of relief I had from the trial was not there......And I was so mad and upset yet again to get my hopes up, only to be crushed again....And I went farther and farther into depression... Thank God for my wife & kids, because if not for them I would end it!!!!! My pain is still horrible to this day, and its starting to get worse because my body is becoming immune to all the meds I've been taking for so long. I can't live my life like this, I feel like I'm bringing my whole family down.. Sometimes I think yhey'd all be better without me.....Now I'm having some new pains right around my liver or gall bladder, and because of all the meds I go # 2 maybe once every 4 to 5 days, and thats even taking this Kristalose stuff to help you go.... My entire body is being consumed from this accident, and having to jump through all the Workman's Comp hoops, it is very stressful, ans I've busted 3 or 4 Private Detectives harassing me or my family. I call the police on them. Its not like their going to catch me doing something I'm not suppose to be doing, cause I don't do anything @ all. I've turned into a hermit.... Lately I and my wife have been fighting cause she wants to go out and I never do cause I feel like crap all the time. I haven't even slept in my bed in 19 months, I've been sleeping in a lazy boy recliner, my second one. I wore the first out. Tell me that sucks sleeping in a freaking chair all the time....
So now that my body is getting use the meds. I probably have to get this other surgery called a Inter thecal Pump, that gives me meds directly to my spine, so less meds and it all doesn't go through my organs. I really don't have any other choices, and I'm at the end of my rope.....I sit and remember little things I use to do pain free, things we all take for granted.. And I wonder if I'll ever be any kind of normal, God I wish I could just be pain free again...Cause what do I do when my body gets use to these other drugs this other way? My life revolves around pain & pain meds...What can I do? Does anybody have any realistic ideas?
Thanks for reading my life story right now...And always get a 2nd. opinion, never trust 1 idea from 1 doctor..... And if it sounds to good to be true it probably is.....