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I Am A Broken, Depressed & Disabled Husband & Father of 3 Girls @ 37. Is There A Light @ The End Of This Tunnel?

Started by Desperate Dad on 07/29/2010 8:36pm

Is there an END? I'm almost 38, been married to a Beautiful Great Woman who has stuck by me through all my pain and moods for 15 years. We have 3 Beautiful girls, 13,9 & 6. and my 2 youngest have NEVER seen me be the strong normal man I once was, My oldest remembers bits and pieces.
I was always a manly man before I broke my back "Twice" . The first time in 1998 falling from the top of The Monument" in downtown Kissimmee, but because I was young the doctor said my strength and my youth saved me from any messy surgeries. I broke my T-12, L-1, Sternum, pelvis, butt-bone, leg, ankle, and contusions on the bottom of my feet. I woke up a few days later in ORMC in Orlando, WITH NO FEELING IN MY LEGS!! So they pretty much kept me knocked out on 4cc's of morphine every hour for 9 days, and luckily all my feeling returned, so I was totally lucky.. Thank God.. Then I was fitted with this special 2 piece Turtle Shell that went from my lower butt & crotch area to my neck, and it kept me straight and compressed for 4-5 months, and I naturally fused. Once i was home my wonderful wife ordered me all the items you have in the hospital, bed, walker, high-kamo, wheel-chair, etc. And she took care of me, through all the good & bad. And after several months I was pretty much 100%, occasional ache here or there. But I eventually got "ALL" my strength & health back.. Then just after Hurricane Charley in 2004 I tripped and fell sideways over some asphalt and re-broke my T-12, L-1, And added my T-8 & T-9, and it happened at work, and that's when I entered the wonderful world of "Workman's Comp" pure hell... Even if you have a justifiable injury your treated like your faking or your a drug seeker. My first surgery was Kyphoplasty @ the T8 &T9, and then I was fused from T12 to L2, because my surgeon said, and I quote" He could make me ready to play for the NFL" Hell I can't even go to a game and sit in the stands through a quarter. And when I woke up from the surgery I felt like I could die!!! The pain was so bad.. They had me on Delotta, the strongest pain medication out, but it doesn't work for me, they say some meds. don't work on certain people. And I found that out the hard way,,, Several months later he did a Hardware removal and a partial lamonectomy @ my L1.. And still I'm in total pain and their lading me up with Oxycontin & Morphine pills and I still hurt like heck with the meds. And I fall deep into depression. I feel like my spine is being ripped out of me, or being bent backwards. I cant play with my kids, I feel like I cant be the "Man" I was before, I'm an X adrenaline junky, I use to skydive, water & snow ski, fast motorcycles, its all gone!! I feel like I'm in HELL.. My life is unraveling around me, or that's how I felt.
Then I am assigned a pain management doctor and all the trigger shots don't work and he starts to get upset with me, because nothing is working. Months of physical therapy, aqua therapy, acu-puncture, everything just made me feel worse.... Then I was taking 150mgs. of Duragesic(morphine derivative) Pain patches every 48 hours, plus 15mgs. of Oxycodone twice a day, 600 mgs. of Nerontin daily, 30 mgs. of Flexaril daily, 90 mgs. of Cymbal-ta daily. And can you believe I still hurt taking all these meds... They were missing something, there's something in my spine that's not right ,I can feel it to this day.
Then I did a trial for the Nero-Cord Stimulator for a week and it gave me some relief, not alot but anything is better then nothing, so the doctor ordered it to be put in. But he said to use the paddle in my spine rather then just the 2 wires because they can break easier and he new I liked to be active, and if it were him...and I quote.. "He'd use the paddles." So thinking about the wires possibly breaking in the near future I listened to him and went through the surgery getting the paddles, well to use the paddles they have to remove the top of your vertebrae to your spine and they sew it directly to your spine and do a Donor bone over lay on top of the paddles, And had to recuperate from yet another surgery and when all the swelling was gone the little bit of relief I had from the trial was not there......And I was so mad and upset yet again to get my hopes up, only to be crushed again....And I went farther and farther into depression... Thank God for my wife & kids, because if not for them I would end it!!!!! My pain is still horrible to this day, and its starting to get worse because my body is becoming immune to all the meds I've been taking for so long. I can't live my life like this, I feel like I'm bringing my whole family down.. Sometimes I think yhey'd all be better without me.....Now I'm having some new pains right around my liver or gall bladder, and because of all the meds I go # 2 maybe once every 4 to 5 days, and thats even taking this Kristalose stuff to help you go.... My entire body is being consumed from this accident, and having to jump through all the Workman's Comp hoops, it is very stressful, ans I've busted 3 or 4 Private Detectives harassing me or my family. I call the police on them. Its not like their going to catch me doing something I'm not suppose to be doing, cause I don't do anything @ all. I've turned into a hermit.... Lately I and my wife have been fighting cause she wants to go out and I never do cause I feel like crap all the time. I haven't even slept in my bed in 19 months, I've been sleeping in a lazy boy recliner, my second one. I wore the first out. Tell me that sucks sleeping in a freaking chair all the time....
So now that my body is getting use the meds. I probably have to get this other surgery called a Inter thecal Pump, that gives me meds directly to my spine, so less meds and it all doesn't go through my organs. I really don't have any other choices, and I'm at the end of my rope.....I sit and remember little things I use to do pain free, things we all take for granted.. And I wonder if I'll ever be any kind of normal, God I wish I could just be pain free again...Cause what do I do when my body gets use to these other drugs this other way? My life revolves around pain & pain meds...What can I do? Does anybody have any realistic ideas?
Thanks for reading my life story right now...And always get a 2nd. opinion, never trust 1 idea from 1 doctor..... And if it sounds to good to be true it probably is.....

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dad
Look some research center or university of spine.. they may treat this problem by stem cells, Mayo clinic, X-cells in German
You are smart do not believe dr. that you get second opinion I have trusted for first. I loose my health ,surgeon find money.
After back surgery( L5-l4 REMOVED A DISK FRAGMENT) I have paralyzed the leg and horribly pain. My tibial nerve was cut during surgery and surgeon has hidden..
Pray ,stay positive, do not lost your hope. Sorry for grammar mistakes English is my third language.
my email harhun@gmail.com

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Please contact me at valvaldez1@gmail.com.

I will try to locate someone to help you.

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Dear God, I was moved nearly to tears just reading your post. I am a dad with a 7 year old boy and the thought of being so disabled would certainly be a version of hell for me.

If you read any of my other posts, you can see that I'm not a tradtionalist. I am a body/mind oriented chiropractor that focuses on helping people deeply connect with their innate resources for healing. My primary method is called Network Spinal Analysis (NSA). This is not some airy-fairy approach. It is a powerful, cutting edge system that has helped thousands of people across the US.

Listen, no one else will tell you this and you probably don't want to hear it yourself but the only way out is through. I just helped a man that hasn't been able to walk or stand due to severe pain through a combination of gentle NSA adjustments (by gentle, I mean light touch...no popping at all) and coaching to help him connect with the pain, the underlying emotions and, most importantly, the deep sense of RESOURCEFULNESS that lives in all of us but is often deeply buried beneath layers of pain and trauma. He was walking within an hour.

Your case is surely different. Probably worse. Still, this approach is not something anyone in your situation can afford to ignore. Most NSA docs are very compassionate, caring human beings and will often work out financial arrangements if necessary to help you get the care you need.

I implore you...please go tohttps://www.wiseworldseminars.com/ and find an NSA doc in your area. If you have several choices, contact me and I will tell you who I think is your best choice. You have nothing to lose. Feel free to contact me at drblum@nsawellness if I can be of more service. I care.

Onward!
Fred

P.S. YOU ARE NOT BROKEN. You are whole. You can never be anything less no matter what your condition. That wholeness is the power that will heal you. It is all that has ever healed anyone of anything since the beginning of time. Time for a new paradigm.

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I read your story and I pray that God will help and strengthen you in this time of trial. First I know I do not live in pain as you do, I would not even try to say I know how you feel because I don't. But I will say that whatever the situation is that we are in, we have to accept it and live each day the best we can. Go out with your wife pain and all it will make you and her feel better. You are blessed to have a wife like her. NOW FOR THE GOOD NEWS!!! My friend broke her back 15 yrs ago (in three places) and she has a pump in her stomach that sends the pain meds right to her spine. She could not function if she didn't. She does take pain pills if she needs extra help. But the pump keeps the pain at a tolerant level. So I SAY GET THE PUMP ASAP. I pray that it will work as good as hers does.. May the Lord bless you...

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dear desperate dad, im also a dad to 2 teenage girls & a wife of 25 years. my story is dead on yours. i do have the pump implanted in me. im on my 4th one now. they last between 5 - 7 years then need replaced because of the battery in them. id love to talk to you somemore about the pump. it saved my life. please email me at mb680@cinci.rr.com & if you wish we could also talk on the phone. myself & my wife would be more than happy to share all the info from my spinal injury & the pump with you & your wife. my name is michael & in from ohio. i really look forward to hearing from you, i think we both need a friend. i hope your pain level is much tollerable today. your friend michael

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Iam on my wifes account reading this right now, she too has horrible back issues. I cantt identify with your pain as I do not have any myself. However I absolutely hate it when people assume youre faking or seeking drugs. I am in the US Navy and I had one of our docotors accuse her of being one because she KNEW what pain killers work the best. It enrages me so much that I would have to hear someone with obvious back pains is a drug seeker, I took him to a side room and chewed him out over it. Sure your on drugs and yes you need them to take any edge off the crippling pain. However I am 100% sure noone would ever want to live like that!

I wish you the best of luck.
CTR2 Daugherty USN

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Desperate Dad, I know what you're going through. In 1983, I fell and fractured my neck (a hangman's break) and what followed was a hellish blur: temporary two paralysis caused by the break moving a milimeter toward the spinal cord; CAT Scans, Myelograms, surgery, bone graft from hip, fusion and wiring of C2-C3 and a Halo, worn for 4 months, nerve damage, 30 days hospital stay, physical theraphy to help my walking, went home with drugs that made me sit in a chair in a fog--no thoughts, no aspirations, no me. Depression set in. Felt angry at everyone. Nine months later, in 1984, another fusion for the T-3-T-4 that had been overlooked because of the earlier break--another 30 days stay, because after the surgery, my right leg wouldn't work, and I couldn't feel it from the knee up, so more scans and drugs and PT to learn how to use that leg again (but I still don't feel it from the knee up--a nerve was damaged while the doc did a second bone graft). Sent home with more drugs, and a TENS unit to block the pain--nothing helped much. More intense pain, more drugs, more scans, more doctors, more nerve damage. Then I got fed up with it all and reclaimed my life; I couldn't live with letting this pain control me anymore. But I didn't know what to do. How could I help myself? I heard about Biofeeback (pain control) and learned to use it, blocking my pain, myself, as much as I could--sometimes not so good--and, months later, I told my doctors that I wanted off narcotic drugs, to which they said I wouldn't be able to cope with the pain without the meds, so I told them to give me pills that wouldn't make me a brainless hulk (Ibuprofin, Celebrex, Tramadol). The pain continued, as I took my life back by focusing on whatever pleasure was in my life--my husband, my kids, my aspirations--but it seemed increasingly more tolerable because I felt human again, I felt alive. I found joy in simple things, like being able to finally open a jar of something by myself, or putting on my clothes, even with pain, by myself. Now I was in charge of the pain, it wasn't going to be allowed to run me anymore. This may sound simplisetic to you, but it saved my life. Biofeedback, Imagery, and all that stuff that I once would have thought ridiculous gave me back my life. I even went back to work--in pain--but, by focusing on things other than my constant pain, I enjoyed it. I enjoyed my life, pain, nerve damages and all for 30 years, And, all but one of my doctors, said this couldn't be done, but apparently it did. In 2005, I needed another fusion (L-5--only overnight stay for this one. Surgeries have changed!) And, now I'm researching laser spine surgery because my neck pain has increased severely in the last two years--some days it hurts to lift my arms or move or sit or stand, but I'm doing it anyway, because this is my life and pain may run through it, but it's not allowed to hold court. I make that decision every morning I wake, because my pain has always been there waiting for me, and I'm going to live my way despite it.

None of this may help you, but I hope something find you through the pain and gives you hope.

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Thank you to the few who have responded with their own stories or who have just read it.
It is now Christmas again, my 6th since my injury and I am blessed to still be here with my loving wife and 3 beautiful daughters... I love them so, and that is why I go through what I do. But my Nero- cord stimulator just isn't working and the pain meds are just making my attitude so bad.. The doctor has prescribed different meds to help make me in a better mood but known have worked. Like this lexapro makes me into a freaking monster... and I cant take it anymore, and now I get to go through the DT's during the Christmas Holiday.... That sucks... Hopefully this next year there will be some new medical break threws that might benefit me... Merry Christmas ...

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Hi desperate dad, I just read your post as I am new to this site your story broke my heart. I am also your age with a family, I fractured my T-12 and shattered my L1 in 2004 I feel I can relate to so much of your story. I have a cage in my spine now from T-12 to L-2 and on a high dose of oxycontin. I HATE it I feel like a wet rag all the time. My only advise to you which has helped me is I keep my weight down and I exercise 3-5 times per week. Let me tell you there are LOTS of days I feel I just can't do it but I force myself and I know my pain is less because of it. I really do understand your pain I also have quite a bit of nerve damage. I would love to hear how you are doing and I am so glad you have a great support system in your family. thinking of you Kim

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Dear Depressed Dad, I guess you can see from my profile name, we have a bit in common. I can only say that you have a wonderful family. It is heart warming that your wife and kids are so supportive. They still love you and you are a big part of their life. Sometimes when you can't be the person you used to be you can try to be the best person you are today. You have been through so much. I can relate to the pain, medications, and doctors you trust not always having your best interest in mind. At least that is what I have learned. Try to go out if you can. I listen to audio books and they often get my mind off the pain. My family is not what yours is. I won't go into to that, but I wanted to reassure you that you have a great support system. They know you cannot do things, but they love you just as much if not more. I hope this helps a little. Try to embrace the love and that they love you for who you are not what you can or can not do. (:
God bless.

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All I can do is say a Prayer for you, you're twice as bad as I am and at least I don't have kids/wife. I listened to the 1st Doc I went to and that was the worst mistake I made. I'm hoping my Thoracic Facet Rhizotomy will keep me out of my pain and spasms, I know the blocks worked 4 hrs. I was like you adrenaline junky and raced MX 10 yrs and am paying for 1 crash too many. Brother I pray that my prayer for you is answered. I know the isolation and depression and that thought. The aggravation of someone thinking you are faking your pain, yeah I traded my good life in for pills, make s alot of sense. My back spasms so bad you can see the muscles knot up, can't fake those can I Doc? I've had 2 bad surgeons that thank God I didn't let them touch me and 2 good ones and very good, nope GREAT pain mangement Doc. I'm the one that calls him and tells him he wrote me too many that month and he should ck, LOL. 50 yrs and want even consider trying to have a relationship with a gal, even get asked out and I tell them I come with a warning label. I used my back up when I was young and dumb. I almost went to the Bonati institute before I found the Doc in SC that will do my Rhizotomy, my neurosurgeon said spinal stimulator implant. I'm self pay ins barely now and about to go broke. I've been lucky working from home selling real estate the last 5 yrs but am scared to death myself as $$ it ain't looking good and the money all gone. I'll say 2 prayers for you and me Brother. BTW L5-S1 fused April '09 and T11-12 fused XLIF Oct '09 thoracic spasms/pain are my worst problem.

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I will go to the Bonati Spine Center if my Doc in SC can't knock my pain/spasms down with the Rhiozotomy. I just wanted to go with the minimal. They were going to do 2-3 surgeries on me. Didn't want to come off knocking Bonati as that will be my next stop.

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Hi Jerry, I was just reading your post can you tell me about the pump that you were talking about for pain like how it works etc. I too have a lot of thoratic pain as well as nerve damage, I shattered my l1 and fractured my t12 in a snowmobile accident. I have had 3 surgeries now I have a permanent titanium cage with bone graft from l2 - t12. I hear ya when you say pain/spasms they are the WORST!! and last hours when they start. I am so open for new meds as I HATE the ones I am on and also very concerned about long term effects. It has been 7 1/2 years since my accident. thanks so much. Kim

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Hi Kim, I have never had a pump. I am going to have a facet rhizotomy done Dec 8th on my thoracic facet. I was given 8 injection 4 each side with a numbing med and and felt great til they wore off. Facet Joints do not show up on MRIs and my physical therapist was the 1st to suggest that was causing spasms. I had to quit swimming as it would trigger them. Not many docs offer them, minally invasive out-patient and works great for spasms and pain. My Doc is in Seneca SC, small place you should be able to locate him. He talked to me 30-45 mins. He wasn't sure he could access mine but I had an XLIF and my plate is on my right side so he can access them thank God. It's not a permanent fix 2-5 yrs which is a lifetime to me now. Hope that helps

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Hey Dad
I understand you believe me. I used to be a Journeyman Electrician for the past 25 years. Built my family a nice big home and tore up my back on a riding lawnmower mishap. I got it stuck and couldn't get anyone to help me. Anyway I seem to be on a 2 yr. Cycle on my surgeries. I have 4 fusions in my neck already and hardware is falling apart and going into my throat. Due to have all that redone Jan-9-2012. This will be the 3rd surgery on it in 4 yr.s. They are also going to have to fuse the back of my neck also? I guess that means rods. I just had my 3rd. Surgery on my l4-l5-s1. They had to have longer screws and more rods. The main 2 things I want to tell you is enjoy your family and thank god for their unwavering support. My wife filed for divorce almost a year ago and is dragging it out to break me financially. I can't even get my belongings from the house yet. She is convinced I am just a drug addict now and not really in that much pain. She has really shown her true self and will answer to God in the end. She has my 3 kids convinced also and tells them I would rather have my drugs over them. So I also know deep depression.I cry every time I call to try an talk to my kids and they hang up. Anyway I don't or can't let myself keep getting depressed and forgive my kids anyway for not understanding. The second thing I wanted to tell you is I have the pump now. It has done wonders for at least getting me mobile again. The pain clinic is about 20miles away and I can drive myself. Walk the dogs down the street and back around the house a little while. I am still taking Hydrocodone, Flexeril, Lexapro, Nuerontin, and Dicyclomine for a really pissed off bowel, and something else just don't remember the name of it right now and Ain't Leaving the Recliner to look. My short term memory is shot and if I set something down I use slot like this little stylis pen for my IPad, I look for it a little at a tme for hours. Anyway I have started to learn to laugh at myself and things I see people doing that I kinda think is funny. So to wrap up being long winded, which is easy on here because we all understand each other, get the pump. You really will be glad you did. It's a little rough at first because of the spinal headaches if you sit up. If you lay down they go away. They disappear completely when the pressure ir destabilized from where you loose a little spinal fluid during the procedure. After abou 2-3 adjustments on the pump my headaches were gone. They Have it at about the perfect level to where the pain is bearable now enough to at least get out of the chair. By the way I got some Bisacodyl 5mg. 1-2tablets daily from the V.A. that actually helps with the bowel movements. Pardon the pun but I'm not doing the elephant stool through a too small of a hole thing anymore, I do also use stool softeners regularly too.

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Sorry about the typo, I meant when the pressure in your spinal fluid is stabilized again. That's why you get the headaches is a little loss of fluid. They have to bring in the pump slowly, they can't just turn it up. By the way good luck Dad and Try to look up. You'll get a lot of help from the man upstairs.

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By the way Dad, Have you ever thought about getting a puppy for Christmas. I adopted a little Black Lab so I wouldn't be alone and have started laughing again. Your girls would love it. They bring a lot of life and fun into a home. It also takes everyone's attention off of your condition including you. Also you WILL be walking again, no choice. I have really started to be able to do more because of my little or should say big puppy. It's something everyone with depression and disabilitys should consider. I can say from experience that a LAB is a great dog for small kids. I don't think a lab has a ounce of meanness in them. I lost my other lab I had a year ago after having for 14 yr.s and cried like a baby. They are that good of a breed. Very gentle and very funny dogs. It's just something to think about. It sure lights up the house having her running around.

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The pump is probably the best thing you could get. I don't know if there's any real advice to give you. My husband sleeps quite a bit in a recliner from his back surgery some years ago. Make sure you aren't carrying any extra weight. Try to be as active as you possible can. Have they tried or discussed the electrical nerve blocker that is implanted to manage pain?

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One thing you should do, is get out of the Lazy-boy recliner, because it's not good for your spine or your neck. My neck hurts right now from my Lazy-boy. That built-in pillow on the Lazy-boy pushes my neck forward, and I knew it wasn't natural, but I would take naps in it anyway, or watch TV. Learn to sleep in bed again... it's a lot better for your back and your neck, and you'll have a better sleep. Who knows... you might even start to feel healthier.

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Hello Dad. Maybe you should contact Pro Spine in Bogen, Germany. I really wish you alle the Best. Best wishes, judy

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Don't ever give up. Trials come and go. You have kids that needs you. Ask for some help if needed.

URL:http://alphacaresupply.com/residential-aluminum-ramps/

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There is always light at the end of the tunnel. Never give up.

http://nationalramp.com/ramps/

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