Surprise Reactions

I lost a great friend recently. Its been hard. We had future plans, she and I. Two rocking chairs will stand empty now, void of the grannies that were going to rest there and be together at last...

hand holding a remote control watching televisonThe other day I decided to put the country music station on my TV so I could listen to the music my friend loved so much. I thought it might lift my spirits. It wasn't too bad, I heard a few songs I actually knew. I went into my livingroom to sit for a minute and watch the next video. It was a guy I never heard of before but the video was the usuall girl skip away, boy follow, and when he catches up he grabs her in his arms and they latch together...

I was not even ready for the reaction I had to watching that video! I nearly got ill, it hit me so hard, how long it has been since I have felt all those body parts, and ran so free! I have mourned the loss of all that already, cried over it a thousand times. I don't want to cry anymore. 

I certainly don't want to get angry like before. When I'm angry I get mean. To everyone. Or course they don't have a clue to what is going on with me and I don't know realy how to explain it. I miss things... little things like feeling my husband give my tush a pat as he walks by. Making love spontaniously.

Every single thing I do, I (we) have to think about, or plan around, plan it out. Us being together? It is more work than play, sometimes more pain than pleasure. I tell my husband that I miss him, he knows what I mean. We will never be together like we were before. and now I will avoid music videos like the plague!  Whew, the things that can knock you on your heels when you least expect it! I'm good now, tears all dried up. Work to be done, lets change the channel to some rock!