Even after all this time
I have been trying to write all month. I just have not been feeling like myself. I have gotten some words down but then I accidently erased the whole thing. I was so sketchy and moody, I was crying if I saw something cute! Oh No! this had to stop. I tried writing about my Dad for Memorial day. He was an awesome person, but that didn' help and I couldn't quit get down on paper who he was, his heart.
My friend Nicey gave me a pep talk one day, pointing out how very far I have come so far. She is a fire cracker when she gets wound up. She does not like it when I get down, and she did manage to cheer me up and we had a good day. It is so different talking to someone when they know EXACTLY what you are talking about. I just can't wait for the day that I can talk about "it" without crying.
We had a cook out yesterday and my husband/hero did an awesome job on the grill, but in the living of the day it finally dawned on me that this was the anniversary of my surgery. Yes thirteen (13) years ago today I had a laminectomy, and my surgeon did his best to remove as much tumor off my spinal cord as he could. He left me with the ability to walk. Althought that wasn't my number one concern, it was the first question I was asked evey time I reached out for help. Pain was my number one concern. I suppose it will be until I feel no more pain. Non-walkers only think about walking again, and will never see the suffering of spinal cord injured people that can walk, although it may be with the help of devices, or not with a smooth gait, oh yea I look drunk plenty of times. I'd like to help everybody. Everyone.
My surprise of the year so far, I have feeling in my left buttuck now! I am so amazed. I remember them telling me that after two (2) years nothing would get better. First my leg, which I am still working on muscle-wise, and now further up! It would be so amazing if my whole left side comes back. It really does feel weird walking around feeling one side of your body and not the other. The sensation you get when someone bumps into your numb butt is so weird, like having three pillows tied on and someone slamming into you but not bouncing off. Maybe. It is an annoying feeling, and does cause pain as it travels through the rest of my body. I don't go anywhere crowded....yet ;)
I am working on making pain the smallest part of my life even as it looms its ugly head. It is warm outside now, when I feel best and can get myself in a little better shape to make it through one more winter. So on and so on. I would gladly consider any suggestions from anyone in a situation simular to mine.