In Pursuit of Less Pain

How it has been going

Silhouette of a woman sitting on the beach looking out to seaBefore I had a spinal cord tumor (SCT), I never had a backache. I never really had any ache except labor pains. I was strong and healthy. Always played with my children. I taught my girls how to jump rope and turn cartwheels. More kids have flown through the air on top of my feet than I can count. I wrestled, I rolled, I swung kids until I couldn't stand anymore. We spent almost every free day at the beach riding boogie boards and  building  great creations in the sand.

Then suddenly it was like a wall loomed up in front of me and I came to a screetching halt, and when I woke up I had pain that has stayed with me ever since. I had my heart broken once, and it hurt so much I really thought my heart was going to burst in my chest. For a very long time I was not myself and I cried enough to fill buckets, but I did heal eventually. Now I have no hope of eventually, pain will always be my companion. 

I've cried a lot, sometimes I still do. When I think about the things my husband and I have lost, I still mourn for those special intimacies. For the things we won't be able to do when we retire now. For us always having to be carefull for me.....We can't even go to certain places for fear of people bumping into me, like  concerts or anything that draws a crowd. Im telling you, I am just like a sore toe when I'm out somewhere. People just seem to gravitate to where Im standing and have to bump me! It hurts my entire back, and if it happens alot, I will be in too much pain to enjoy anything.

Pain is the ugliest companion to have. It makes you do and say things you would never ever do or say . At my worst I made Cujo look good. My heart still quakes when I think about some of the things I've said and did when I was on drugs but still feeling pain. Those were very dark days and I can't beleive I lived that way for so many years. I am gratefull that I did break free of it though . 

I was watching TV and just happened on a show were an ex-football player was talking about how he got addicted to the pain pills he used for a slight injury, and how his body was actually making more pain so he would take more meds. A light went off in my head I just knew then that that is exactly what was happening to me. I knew then that I had to get off the drugs. That was a journey in itself that I will write about next time. I am currently drug free (opiates).

I have made changes in my diet and have lost five pounds so far. I added berries to replace my sweets. I have reduced as much processed food as I can. Sometimes that is hard when I have one boy going to a wrestling match on one side of town and the other two running track in another city. Sometimes we don't even eat until late. I will eat a little differently than the guys if it's not too much more work. 

I got the clearance to use the machines at the gym by my doctor last Friday. I know what I need to do to protect my spine. I will let you know how that goes as soon as I get over there! I have not lost any of my excitement about changing my diet and exercise to see if it improves the pain. I just got a little pushed back by a couple of snow storms and other unforeseen events.  I'm getting back in the swing though and will be back soon!