The Little Monster

I began to refer to my tumor as "the little monster".  I thought of it as a foreign intruder of misery.  I depised it so much and all the havoc it brought into my life. Whenever I spoke about myself I divided my life into two sections. The first wonderful, happy at last section and the little monster came along - the univited master of cruelty section.

3D bug eyed eyed animationThen one day while steeping myself in pity, a little flutter of thought tickled my brain. Was I sabotaging myself with all that negative thinking and hate, calling it a monster? Doesn't my body respond to how I feel mentally?  I think I studied about that some time ago. Even that people can heal better with positive thinking.. 

That is when I started to change my attitude. I tried to learn more about my tumor, why I had it, how? I quit calling it the little monster although it took me a little longer to quit thinking of it as one! I tried researching If there was anything I could do to make my life at least a little easier. I actually came across a few new things and tried some PT that did not work out and left me unable to walk for four days. I learned to ask " do you know anything about spinal cord tumors"  before intrusting anyone with my care.

The fact is that I don't trust anyone outside my tiny circle anymore. They have my pain at a controllable level? I have break downs only maybe every three months instead of once a week. I have come a long way. I still talk to doctors and ask about tumors, and kick and scream... and pray that no one else gets one, not even my WORST enemy.  and that's the truth.